— (via analyticalmuslim)
Sometimes I wish I was in an organization where none of my friend group right now are in. Whenever I’m with the friends I’ve come to know and hang out with everyday, I always feel this detachment from them. They always talk about all these things because of board or these trips they go on, but obviously I’m not in the picture not do I know or want to listen to half of the things they’re talking to me about. I don’t know. I feel so close, yet so distant. It makes me want to join something where only I’m part of it, and it’ll be a new experience, just how it was in the beginning. Somewhere where I can tell stories also instead of just listening to what others experience. Somewhere.
Bus rides home like these are the times where my mind tends to think about a lot of things, and one of which is this thought I had right now. Mmm
— Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (via the-second-impression)
What did I do what did I do.
These past two days have been quite amazing actually. You might be wondering, woah, what is this? A happy post from Mark?
Why yes, yes it is.
Yesterday was Spring Training Conference South and although the majority of it was of course workshops, I thoroughly had a blast attending them and also learning a great deal. Yesterday was just a whole day full of inspiration and I honestly feel like I learned so much more than I ever have sitting through a workshop in Key Club. The workshops I sat through was Planning a FTC Skit/DCON Talent, Presidents 101, our District Service Initiative, District Committee Panels, and Spirit. And boy was each one very inspiring indeed. I also had the chance to talk to a lot of people especially for the district committees I applied for, and it just made me more excited to see what they have in store in the event I am selected to serve in one. Overall yesterday was super amazing and I loved every single minute of it.
Then today I woke up knowing that my Family Head interview was going to be today at 7PM. Not only that, but my district committee applications were going to be due today too. Today (other than going to math) was a very Circle K filled day. I was surprised I was able to make lunch and dinner, take a shower and look clean for my interview, AND finish my apps for District Committees all in one day. I felt really good and confident during my interview, and even shed a small tear especially when I spoke about my co-big Xavier. I really hope I get the opportunity to do this because I really want to make him proud. I also finished my apps after library sitting for a few hours and frankly I am proud of them. Walking home I also got to talk to Jack, a new friend I made yesterday at STC who I didn’t even know went to UCI. I’ve honestly known him for a day and he has really inspired me. Nothing much else to say, but inspiring nonetheless. I’m glad that I met him and I hope we become better friends even though he’s graduating this year. But yeah, good day good day.
Oh did I mention, I got a 93/100 on my Chem midterm? My highest college grade thus far, and frankly, I am proud of myself.
These past two days have been nothing but great. Hoping the rest of this week goes well, :)
I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna submit it.
I remember reading my "The Things They Carried" monologue in front of an audience a few days ago, and my mood right now reminded me of how relevant it is to my life at this given moment. More specifically the first stanza.
"Everyday I tell myself, things will get better. I greet every morning with a big stretch to the sky, hoping that I can have a day without worrisome problems. It’s 10AM and I’m feeling great! It’s 3PM, going good. It’s 7PM, still going strong. But no matter how hard I try, my happiness never lasts up until the next day. I always find myself falling into holes that were easy for me to dig, and difficult for me to climb out of."
My day went by smoothly, and just as I was about to go to bed, the slightest of things ruin it for me. No further explanation needed. I’m going to bed. Sigh..
moltegrazie-deactivated20140627 said: MERP COME HOME ALREADY IM BORED
summer school .-.
Anonymous said: mark! You're one of the most upbeat, energetic and charismatic people I know! It makes me sad to see whenever you post something sad or depressed about somehing :[
I’m sorry .__.’
loljanellee said: HI MARK!!! I SEE YOU NEXT YEAR MAYBE MWAHAHAH okay n_n
Looking forward to it, haha
"t’s better than Mark, at least you have a position."
"It’s better than Mark,"
"at least you have a position…"
It’s been a few days since I heard someone tell me this straight to my face, and I still haven’t let it down. I don’t remember his exact words, but that moment just replays in my head over and over. Unintentional or not, it really hurt, and it really sucks, especially in the mental state I’m in and knowing what pain I’ve gone through trying to stomach my reality. People constantly remind me to just oust the negativity, you don’t need a position to define what you’re capable of, “you do you”. But honestly I’m not after the satisfaction of a position. I just want the feeling of responsibility, that someone put their whole trust in me to complete what is needing to be done and even more. I want to show people what I’m capable of, and while it is possible to do so without a “position”, it’s very difficult to do so without stepping over some toes along the way. I don’t know what I’m really saying right now nor know why I’m rambling, but it feels good. It’s been 2 months now and must I say, it still sucks. My mind still hasn’t let go, and neither has my heart and passion for what I wanted to do.. I’ve been handling myself pretty well these past few weeks, up until Sunday where I was again reminded of how my dream was just swiped away right under me. And the depression returned…
Family Head applications are only a few days away from its due date, and honestly I don’t know my stance in applying for this position. Though I already have a completed application ready to turn in, I just stare at my answers to these questions and whisper to myself bullshit. I think to myself, is it worth my time to apply for something that I have not much interest for? Everyone around me is urging for me to apply, but in my head I’m constantly reminded that I don’t want to be a family head. I’d be applying only for the chance to almost be on board, but still not be on board. Even my answer to “What makes you want to be a Family Head for Circle K International?” is bluntly “Because I wasn’t accepted on appointed board for the position I applied for.” I don’t know what I honestly want more right now. Becoming a family head for the sake of being one or becoming a family head to prove what they thought of me was wrong. There’s this part of me that is telling me not to apply because I feel I’d be just applying for all the wrong reasons opposed to those who probably want the position more than I do. But then there’s also that part reminding me that this is my last chance to be on club board (or what I call, almost but not really club board).
As close-minded as I sound right now, this is just how I feel. I’m sorry if I don’t suffice to your expectations of me. I tend to sound very pessimistic when I’m depressed. Everyone’s got a little stink somewhere in their personality right?
Sigh. Mark problems.